I'm so over it.

There is nothing like a good dose of feeling like "the sky is falling" to help one to figure out what really matters.The last month has been daunting. My mind is full of:

child issues every one of them has an opinion and an attitude...yup, 8.
household stresses like paying bills when there isn't sufficient income,
having gratitude for my husbands job...but feeling bad, because I know he hates his job.
I can tell that the pressure is a lot for Jared~I know he resents me ... just a little, for not contributing to our financial security.
loving going to school, but scared to mess it up-(it really is, the biggest thing I have going for me)
I am for the most part, blessed to be a stay at home mom~ but I suck a keeping a clean house. Other than having fantastically well mannered and attractive kids, I have very little to show for my years of this career.

One of my oldest kids declared the other night that I don't even PAY for any of the bills so why should I have any say to her use of the car.

I went to the Academy for hair design this week and spent money..on myself.Unwise considering our financial dilemmas. I could have just bought a box of color and had Jared do it at home for me according" to a critic".

I spend too much time overwhelmed by all this stuff.
The physical reaction is like catching a little bird. Have you ever caught something from the wild either on purpose or rescued ?
If you have, I know that you watched and hoped that this scared little spirit would learn to love being with you.
DO you remember when you realized that, even with the best care you could possibly offer... it wasn't enough to help this little spirit find joy again?

It just sat in the corner scared...

That is what I have figuratively been doing.

I have a home and a family and a husband that would do anything for me. I have school; something that I can finally call mine. I read everything, love vehemently and care about everything and trust...nothing.

I deleted my Face book because I would sit for hours messing around and ignoring my responsibilities~How can a person have 600+ friends? I have less than 10 people who even read my blog... maybe 5 even know what my favorite color is.... most days its red but a close second is yellow)

Its quite possible that I am having a mid life crisis.

I am old enough fortunately...to KNOW that if I don't take care of myself...I will soon cease to have the ability to take care of any one else..even if I do suck at most stay home mom stuff.

From a perspective of doing my best...I can feel the twinges of being defined by outside opinions..That's what I think paralyzes me. I stare "wide-eyed" at what personal life circumstances I feel my heart pounding faster than my chest can contain.

Its like my carefree and ambitious nature has flown into too may sliding glass doors?! lol!

I am cautious and tentative and can't bring myself to take anymore risks. I think its like a DELAYED PTSD lol! Navy life, emergency care, children flirting w/ disasters, health and life... Im having a delayed traumatic response.

I was the girl that would hitch hike everywhere as a teenager...in California! Now think back on that and think and WORRY! if people are like those cats in Saturday morning cartoons and get 9 lives, I am pretty sure I am on my last one...