Everything...

It is T minus 18 days until I GET TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I have purchased 2 school bags for the embarking of this new chapter of my life (1 casual, 1 dressy). I even purchased 3 new pairs of pants and a few shirts. My books should be arriving any day from Amazon.com. I seem to have it all together. So why is it I start "nervous giggling" every time someone asks me if I am looking forward to starting this journey?

I can only guess it is the PTSD resulting from Physics 2 and Statistics that I took my final semester of my BS. I spent that entire semester in a semi state of panic. I was consumed with worrying that, the list of career paths I hoped to explore, would be cut in half if I "biffed" in these two courses. I passed only by the grace of God & copious amounts of prayer. I remember beginning a "timed" test, and the professor walking up to me and tapping me on the shoulder and quietly telling me my time had begun. He apologized when he saw what I was doing.I looked up at him and said "sir, I am requesting back-up". He nodded in understanding and I bowed my head and finished my prayer. Faith has always been an important part of my college curriculum.

I remember the excitement and energy I felt after coming home from the Constitutional Law class I also took that semester. I can't shake the craving of the adrenalin rush of challenging my mind with new ideas. I loved that class so much!I learned about how blessed we are in this country to have the rights that we do. It was remarkable to see how everyday regular people literally changed our country.

I want to succeed at this so much. I worry about failing though with the responsibilities that The Lord gave me. I know my kids need me as I need them. I am so pathetic I have never even been away from Rowynn for more than 6 hours EVER!
I will be now gone for approximately 6 hours 2 x per week to attend classes at APU.

Will my kids survive? of course they will. I will be home 80% of the time still ~so what the heck am I freaking out about? I think I am scared of the change that is occurring in me. In the embracing of my desire to go back to school I am choosing to divide my attention to my family. Once again I am looking around and wondering if wanting this for myself makes me a bad mom.

I am hardly a domestic goddess. I love a clean house but to keep it Martha Stewart clean will definitely cause a psychotic break...not something I am willing to risk ;-). SO I keep my house presentable. Meaning a tidy front room and clean kitchen and bath. The kids rooms are messy~ unless they want to go somewhere. My laundry is fine as long as the pile that needs to be folded is bigger than the pile needing to be washed. Is this a low standard or simply a realistic one for a house of 10. I really dont know except to say that at this stage in my families life it works.

It scares me to want everything like I do; Education, a family, a strong faith, my pilots license, A great marriage, health, a social life, friends,someday to participate in a triathlon & eventually my desired career. Is it unrealistic to want EVERYTHING?! I think it would be unfair if it wasn't realistic. I really AM this dang ambitious! Its who I am~its my life and I want to live all of it <3